It’s been slightly more than 3 years since I’ve moved to KL from Penang to pursue my degree in Psychology, and I’m a different person today. Compared to three years ago, I’ve experimented with diverse hairstyles, the music I listen to has changed, the circles I run around with have shifted… and many more. But among others and on a less superficial note, I’m trying to remember who I was back then, but… I honestly can’t. So I visited my old blog and attempted to reacquaint myself with the ‘old’ me.

1. I’m older.

When I read an entry I posted on February 2006

Friday was the lousiest KL-PEN travel of my life – whoever read my Sunday entry, and Joa, would have an idea of what I’m about to complain about. This is proof that my Dad’s Volvo is not big enough for 4 adults and a teenager. ESPECIALLY when there’s at least ONE inconsiderate adult that this teenager cannot reprimand, sitting in the front seat.

Holy shit. Suddenly it struck me – I am so not a teenager any longer! I turned 21 last year and will turn 22 this year… time just flies by me and before you know it, I’ll be all wrinkly and gray with a gazillion cats and dogs (cats and dogs because I’m guessing no one will want to marry insane, high maintenance, flighty ol ‘me). It’s true that age is just a number, but I made that jump from teenage-hood into young adulthood without acknowledging it until today! Heck, I barely noticed until today.

2. I was happy. I am happier.

December 2005

What’s interesting is also how… chirpy I was. I was really, genuinely excited and ecstatic with what KL, BPsych and moving out of the hostel had to offer me. I remember having all these dreams and all these plans and… I was such a happy person. Not to say I’m not happy now, it’s just a different kind of happy. I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world. I’ve grown into a person that I realize that I can be proud of. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, naturally, and while I regret some of them I don’t regret most of them. I’ve learned from all these missteps and I truly have accepted them, and learned how to move on.

February 2009

Yes, my smiles were broader back home, my laugh more carefree, my gait more lively. But the difference is that today, I actually know how to appreciate that happiness. I’ve had my share of tears, frustration and depression to be able to savour bouts of happiness that pass me. I took a lot of things for granted back then and it’s because of all the bitterness today that I am able to really appreciate the sweet.

4. Friends forever?

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
– Henri Nouwen

I added this quote in a December 2005 post.. and back then, I might have believed in it and thought I understood it. But it is today that I can truly appreciate what it means. My friendships have been tried and tested in ways they have not been before during these three years. It is during these three years that I have learned how to truly be a friend. The number of people I truly care for, I can count with only two hands. Few, they may be, but precious nonetheless – I would not have it any other way. A few years ago, it would have devastated me to lose any one of my friends. But today, it’s all right. It doesn’t matter if I see them every day for the rest of my life, or never again. They have made a difference in my life and I hope I’ve made a difference in theirs. As the years go by, the friend filter thickens, and only a few manage to pass it. Friends forever, does not exist. I realized that a long time ago. Best friends don’t exist either. What I know is that a friend does not bring you down. I’m glad I’ve let go of all my excess baggage. There is only so much you can do for people who refuse to help themselves.

Regardless. If I talk to you often, or I don’t talk to you at all. If you read this, know that during the time we were friends, I truly meant that we were friends, and I wish you all the best. I’m learning to let go.

If our paths don’t cross again one day
There’s no need for words to say
I’ll only be but a memory away
~ A Memory Away

4. Love?

In a December 2005 post I wrote about the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”, I talked about love…

I liked it because, like “Just Like Heaven” (though this one is much better than the more recent one le), it was a mushy-feel-good-romantic-love-story and it just lifts your spirits a bit and dampens them as well because you know that in reality love isn’t like it is in the movies with a ‘happily ever after’ ending. On a more curious note: I’d like to meet my ‘great love of my life‘ in future and know when I do. I mean, how will I know? Or will I just know? What if I don’t meet him? I mean, yeah, I don’t need a guy to live on, but I’m just curious. Is it just like that? Magic? What if something happens to him before I actually do meet him? Or what if I meet him and I don’t know? Gee, life’s puzzling isn’t it? It’s not just a simple matter of sparks flying when you look into one another’s eyes or that tingly feeling up your spine when you touch a hand, like you read so much in books. How do you know that it’s really “till death do us part”? With divorce rates on the rise, I think they should change vows.. “till divorces do us part”. Well, don’t we all wish that it were that easy. Just knowing. Is it like that? I honestly have no idea. Maybe if I ever get attached, as in seriously attached, you can ask me that and see what I say.

Back then, I actually did believe in the existence of the “great love of my life”. Interesting how things have changed. Truth is, if I would bother to dig deeper into my subconscious and my true thoughts, I would realize that I never completely believed in that. While everyone went boy crazy in high school, I was more subdued. I never felt the all-consuming crushing/infatuation a lot of my friends did. Truth to be told, I faked interest once in awhile… but never really felt it for any one. Of course, then Ex #1 came along and momentarily swept me off my very clumsy and inexperienced feet. But after Ex #1 left, I went back to my good old ways of being a disbeliever of love. If I could go back in time an answer Xinch-2005′s questions on love, I would say this:

You won’t know when you meet the great love of your life. He could be the guy you see every day in college, the one you sit next to on the bus, or the one whose eyes you meet in the LRT. He could be the guy in the car next to you waiting for the light to turn green. He could be the one you run to. He could be the one you run away from. He could be an old friend. He could be someone you have yet to meet. He could be the guy that sits next to you in class when you’re late and you’ve just run in. You could have met him today. You could meet him tomorrow. You may never meet him. This great love, he does not exist. Sparks that erupt the moment your eyes land on him, do not exist. It’s not magic. There is no great love of your life. There is love. That tingly feeling you might feel? It could be love, but most of the time, it’s lust, infatuation, a thrill. Don’t be fooled, don’t fall for it. Sit back, take a breather and look at it carefully – it could change any time. I’m not being pessimistic, or a downer. The truth is, love is not something you can see or feel upon the first, second, third or even tenth meeting. Love is something that creeps up on you and continues to grow. It’s not the flower you land your eyes on when you walk past it, become enchanted, pluck it and take it home. That’s the flower that will wilt. Love is that seed you are given, that you plant, carefully water and sun. Love is that plant that grows to an unexpected shape or form. It could flower every day, it could flower only once a week. Some times it flowers once a year. But you sit by and prune it, water it, and care for it all the same. You don’t get to just walk past it and realize that it’s love. It’s a slow, steady and difficult process. Most of all, you need to know what you want. Don’t walk into a nursery and just pick out the prettiest-looking plant. Sit and reflect on what you want, what you can give, and what you can receive. Some times we might want an orchid, but all we can really take is a cactus. It does not mean the cactus is any less beautiful or precious. Upon reflection, we might even appreciate the cactus over the orchid. Yes, to continue with this really odd plant analogy – true love is knowing what you really want, what you need, what you see yourself doing and what you can take from another person. Happily every after exists only with a lot of work… and even then, it’s intermingled with lots of bitter.

I’m such a different person, and yet I’m still the same. I know myself better now, know what I want, what I’m looking for in life, what I hope to acquire. I’m writing this not just to share it with you, but maybe in three years time when I look at this when I’m at the precipice of something new the way I am now, I’ll be able to reflect on how I’ve changed again, or how I’m still the same.

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