PM: Govt Breaking Quota System to Encourage High Calibre Youth

I’m like “Whoa… seriously?”

The quota system has been a local controversy since.. forever, so reading something like that really made my eyebrows hit my hairline, not in a disbelieving way either, but more of a surprised and intrigued way.

The first few lines made me nod and say, “Hmm.. not bad. But is there more?” So I read on… and came across something pretty interesting. And I quote in a screenshot, just in case:

Again, I go, “Whoa… seriously? Top 10 on a global competitiveness index?”

Thanks to my natural inclination to satisfying my curiosity with the aid of my best friend and most favorite site of all, Google, I searched “global competitive index” and the first site that popped up was the World Economic Forum’s Global Competitiveness Report. Let’s see what they say.

So there are a few possibilities here.Where’s Malaysia? I downloaded the full report to see where we rank. Turns out, we’re ranked 24. Don’t believe me? Download the full report yourself here. In fact, we rank much lower than our neighbor, Singapore.

1. The Star screwed up. Misheard and screwed up, and quoted Najib wrongly.

2. Najib’s speech writer did an awful job and spouted a few numbers for fun.

3. Najib has secret information into the new 2010-2011 report (that is normally tabled at the end of the year, BTW) that hasn’t seen the light of day just yet. He may have been tipped off, who knows.

4. Najib simply cakap.

Hey, it could be any one of the above possibilities. In fact, none of us know which is more true than the other. I’m not going to say which of the following is most possible, but let’s look at this objectively here.

This is the age of search engines. The era of limitless, immediate information. The time of Google. In fact, there is nothing I can think of that is not Google-able! So it baffles me to wonder why no one (The Star, his speech writer or the PM himself( bothered to check with the Internet prior to actually declaring that!

In fact, theStar even goes on to report that we rank 13 spots higher than Japan. That is some detailed info here — where are the references? I mean, if there’s a more reputable index than the one by the World Economic Forum, I’d really like to see it!

Update: Doulos found it! Here’s where we’re ranked 10. Not sure if this is what PM was referring to though…

But I’m deviating from my point here. What I really want to say is how accountable we all are, now that the Internet has brought us so close together. Facebook critics have got to understand one thing — the privacy of yesterday no longer exists. We are no longer afforded the luxury of maintaining secret lives, or pulling numbers, figures and quotes out of our behinds with the Internet. It’s not just Facebook. It’s Google. It’s Bing. It’s Yahoo! It’s Twitter. It’s the Internet. And it’s really not just the newspapers or Najib here.

It’s the boyfriend who’s trying to cheat on his girlfriend (or vice versa).

It’s the kid trying to hide something from his/her family.

It’s the potential employee trying to pretend to be someone he/she is not.

It’s the couple sexing up to a video recorder being in denial that their phone / camera / recording device will never fall into the hands of another.

As long as the Internet exists, our dirty laundry is out there for the world to see. It’s not Facebook’s job to protect our privacy and to make sure that no one butts in, it’s our job. It’s personal responsibility, and let’s not try to dish it off on someone else and blame them.

The same way it’s our own fault for being ridiculed for misreporting something, misquoting something, or really just pulling things out of our ass. You and I have the exact same access to information. We have the same ability to be plugged in. We also have the same ability to Google, before speaking. Or writing. Or publishing.

Sorry guys, but Google makes everyone — from newspapers, to politicians, to the Average Joe — accountable for what they say, and what they do.

Oh and BTW, I’m not as naive to believe that breaking the quota system will happen anytime soon, unless I see it in writing (e.g. 10MP, a law, etc.) or better yet, in practice. I’m not buying it unless I see it tabled as a motion, basically. I mean, yelling through a microphone at a rally? Not the best way to convince me.

Unless, of course, TheStar screwed up. Again.

If you know how much I fear / loathe presenting in public, you’ll understand why I procrastinated 8 months to give a presentation. But I kinda decided that 8 months is a ridiculously long time and I should just throw caution to the wind and do it.

So I presented on what testimonials and success stories can do for our organization’s public relations efforts.. and thought I’d share it on my blog to document it. I’ve embedded my slides right here:

Most Internet-based businesses have TONS of testimonials sitting in their databases… and these testimonials have no other purpose but to be featured in their sales letters. But how many people actually read sales letters? And the more sales-y a page is, the odds are against a person actually reading it.

So here’s a simple, but pretty wild idea about how a person, an organization or a brand can utilize testimonials and success stories to create a storm in their targeted markets, drastically increase their credibility, attract mass attention and develop an offline presence at the sane time.

She just sent me the video of “We Are The World 25″ for Haiti

It’s a really good song, mind you, and I love that Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie placed all the strong vocalists in the beginning, where I feel more emotion and power is needed to convey the message of the song – Jennifer Hudson, Josh Groban, Pink, Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion.. you know what I mean.

But Bee Sim has beef with the fact that Miley Cyrus has a few lines among the greats.

Here’s an excerpt of our conversation:

Let’s just say that while I have indulged, in “light reads” and “guilty pleasures” such as Twilight, Judith McNaught romance novels (and in younger days, Sweet Valley and the occasional Charmed book) I am not quick, nor proud, to admit my dalliances with certain titles. I have always prided myself in my selection of books with Pulitzer or Booker awards, literary classics and a range of modern Asian literature or cultural reads. I try the darnedest to not succumb to social expectations of females preferring romance novels and in bookstores, I give the romance sections a wide berth. Now, with age, I give young adult fiction an even wider berth as well. Which is probably why I felt a slight tinge of embarrassment when the sales assistant at MPH directed me to the teenage fiction section when I attempted to purchase the last two installments of the Twilight series. Nonetheless, I give in to these temptations, and read them anyway for the sheer entertainment and short-lived pleasure they provide.

But, I have noticed one thing. It is these “light reads” that I rarely reread, and often, quickly forget. I have read my Murakamis, Ishiguros and Lahiris so many times that I fear that creases are inevitably appearing on the spine, in spite of my care.

Over the weekend back home, I took some time to peruse my collection (which has depleted somewhat thanks to my mother’s generosity, and lack of consultation with yours truly). I attempted to list my top 5 favorites, but found that they all tied for the #1 spot. Instead, I compiled a list of..

The 5 Most Impacting Books I’ve Read

1. Tuesdays with Morrie (by Mitch Albom)

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” — Morrie Schwartz

Lessons of life from a point of death – that’s the running theme of all of Mitch Albom’s books. But what makes this one so spectacular is Morrie Schwartz, and how they came together to share his last lessons with the rest of the world.

2. A Fine Balance (by Rohinton Mistry)

“Government problems and games played by people in power… It doesn’t affect ordinary people like us” — Dina Shroff

It was after reading this that I developed an appetite for modern Asian literature, and surprisingly, politics. I say surprisingly because this book was not explicitly political. But for the duration that I read this book, I was transported to India in the 70s during “The Emergency”, witnessing the harrowing experience through the eyes of 4 characters who while came from vastly differing backgrounds, were really and inevitably all in it together.

3. Lovely Bones (by Alice Sebold)

“What I think was hardest for me to realize was that he had tried each time to stop himself. He had killed animals, taking lesser lives to keep from killing a child.” — Susie Salmon

I suppose it takes a experience to tell the harrowing story of rape. Which is probably why the description of the crime committed against Susie Salmon was so exquisitely written, and yet painful to read. But, what drew me most to this book was how Alice Sebold “humanized” the rapist, and how he struggled with his urges. The fact that this came from a woman who was at a point in time a victim, reminded me that in spite of our nature and the severity of our crimes, we are all the same – we are all human.

4. Of Mice and Men (by John Steinbeck)

“Never you mind. A guy got to sometimes.” – Slim

I admit to originally picking this book up at a sale because it was (i) cheap, and (ii) wondrously thin. But of course, who had not heard of John Steinbeck? My first foray into his world was through this book. He told the story of innocence, dreams and friendship in the harshest of settings, contrasted against the unexpectedly gentlest of men. But he leaves us with this poignant message of, “Sometimes, you’ve just got to do, what you’ve got to do.”

5. Dance, Dance, Dance (by Haruki Murakami)

“Transplant this coffee shop scene to Yokohama or Fukuoka and nothing would seem out of place. In spite of which — or, rather, all the more because — here I was, sitting in this coffee shop, drinking my coffee, feeling a desperate loneliness. I alone was the outsider. I had no place here.”

It is difficult to explain why Haruki Murakami’s work enchants me. His novels resonate with themes of abandonment and have a hint of surreality in each and every one of them. Reading Murakami’s work, is like abstract art. It defies conventional dissection and interpretation. The same way, I cannot completely explain why I picked this Murakami book. Perhaps it’s because it tells the story of a chase of the unknown, and how fate and destiny can bring into your life an odd combination of travel partners who will impact your journey in ways that, as cliched as it sounds, you probably least expect.

Race: Time for a new beginning

Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah
Aug 9, 09

The opportunity to study abroad is gift. I remember my days as a student in Belfast so long ago. Now as then, overseas study gives us the chance to be educated at some of the finest, best established institutions of higher learning anywhere, and to be exposed to the best that has been thought and done, and to measure ourselves against the highest standards. It is an opportunity to see the world.

Travel and living abroad takes us far away from home, but in doing so it also brings us closer to ourselves, and closer to home. Have you experienced this? Have you felt time and distance making you more conscious of how unique and precious the places, relationships, colours, smells and yes, tastes, of home are? Distance can help us see things more clearly. Home is such an immediate, dense and total experience that we often need to go away to see its contours. Home is such an emotional experience that we often understand it better in the coolness of distance. We sometimes need the elevation of distance to see the map of our own country.

I want to use this privileged distance that we now share, here in Melbourne, to speak frankly with you today about a matter that is usually so tightly wound up, so emotional, that at a national level we have not been able to have a rational discussion about it.

I want to invite you to look across this distance at the map of the life in common that we call our country. I want to look across the distance of fifty two years of independence, across changes over my own lifetime, to understand where we have come from as a nation and where we are going. My topic is race and racial consciousness in Malaysian life, and especially in our politics.

Race in the political life of Malaysia

Our social and political life is racialised to a degree seen in few other countries in the world. There are historical reasons for this. Malaysia was, at its birth, a country deeply divided along communal lines. We negotiated and attained independence with a power-sharing arrangement between the leaders of the three major racial communities as represented by the Alliance coalition. The agreement and cooperation of these leaders ensured peace and stability while we modernised our economy. The skill and integrity of these leaders, and their clear authority among their own communities was key to the success of this model, which is sometimes described by political scientists as consociational democracy.

This arrangement lasted only 12 years. After the traumatic riots of May 1969, we underwent a period of rule under the National Operations Council before Parliament was restored. The New Economic Policy was drafted and put into action. A new coalition, the Barisan Nasional, was put together to ensure that every community had a place at the table. Once more, the idea was to resolve conflict within a consociational power-sharing arrangement. Each community was to have a place at the table. Conflicts were to be solved between the leaders of these communities, behind closed doors. This arrangement was useful and effective for its time, but we have to wake up to the fact that it no longer works.

It is important to understand why:

It was never meant to be a permanent solution. Our method of racial power-sharing is primarily a system for resolving conflict in a deeply divided society. It was designed as an interim work-around, an early stage on the way to “a more perfect union” and not as the desired end-state. Over the years, however, we have put up barricades around our system as if it were a fore-ordained and permanent ideal. In doing so, we have turned a half-way house into our destination, as if we must forever remain a racially divided and racially governed society.

Instead, our ideal must be to become a free and united society in which individuals can express their ethnic and religious identities without being imprisoned in them. We must aim for a society in which public reasoning and not backroom dealing determines our collective decisions.

The power-sharing model that we started life with is an elite style of government justified by the virtue and competence of natural leaders of their communities. It needs special conditions. It does not work when political parties are led by the ignorant and the corrupt who have no standing in the communities they claim to represent.

It needs genuine agreement and cooperation between leaders who command support in their own communities and are universally respected. It will not work if the power-sharing coalition is overly dominated by one person and the others are there as token representatives. Our founding fathers negotiated, cooperated and shared responsibility as equals and as friends within a power-sharing framework. The communal interests they represented were articulated within the overarching vision of a united Malaysia.

In the intervening years, as power came to be concentrated in the Executive, we preserved only the outward appearance of power-sharing. In reality we have had top-down rule and power has become increasingly unaccountable. Each of our political parties has also become more top-down, ruled by eternal incumbents who protect their position with elaborate restrictions on contests. Umno itself has become beholden to the Executive.

Our decades under highly-centralised government undermined our power-sharing formula, just as it undermined key institutions such as the judiciary, the police and the rule of law. Our major institutions have survived in appearance while their substance has eroded. Seen in this light, the election results of March 8, which saw the Barisan Nasional handed its worst defeat since 1969, was just the beginning of the collapse of a structure which has long been hollowed out.

The end of the old, but not quite the new

The racial power-sharing model now practiced by Barisan is broken. It takes more honesty than we are used to in public life to observe that this is not a temporary but a terminal crisis. An old order is ending. Our problem is that while this past winds down, smoothly or otherwise, the future is not yet here. We are caught in between. Despite our having become a more economically advanced society, with many opportunities for our citizens to express richly plural identities, our races have become increasingly polarised. Large numbers of our electorate still vote along ethnic and religious lines. Much of our political ground is still racially demarcated. Although we have made some progress towards truly multiracial politics, both the Government and the Opposition are largely mobilised along racial lines. It is not yet time to herald a new dawn. Instead, we are in a transition full of perils and possibilities.

You are this generation caught between. You are the generation of transition. You will play a key role in determining its outcome. However well a certain kind of politics of racial identity may have served to reduce conflict in the past, it has come to the end of its useful life. We need a new beginning to racial relations in Malaysia, and you must pioneer that beginning. We need to re-design race relations in Malaysia, and you must be the architects and builders of that design.

In coming to that new design I hope you take advantage of the perspective of distance that your overseas education has given you to not take as your starting point the tired answers that are passed on as conventional wisdom. You must reformulate the questions and come up with your own answers. When it is clear that one generation may have run out of steam, it is time to generate your own. Where do you begin? May I suggest some perspectives and principles. Whatever the answers we come up with, I think the following elements are important:

Begin with our common humanity. Respect our common humanity must override all lesser affiliations, including race. One of Islam’s most powerful contributions to human civilisation has been its insistence on the equality of all human beings. Islam tolerates no notions of racial superiority or inferiority. All human beings are equal before God. That same principle of equality is absolutely fundamental to democracy, and democracy is a foundational principle of our Constitution. Democracy is part of what makes us who we are as a nation. Even if we might still gravitate towards racial groupings, our allegiance to these groups must never overshadow our allegiance to the Constitution, and to the claims of equal dignity that it establishes firmly and permanently. Political parties based on race or religion must never be allowed to do or say anything contrary to justice and equality.

We must anchor ourselves in the Constitution and restore its primacy. This founding document of our country establishes definitively the equality of citizenship that is the bedrock of democracy. It gives us the framework of law and order within which we become a nation. It establishes the primacy of the rule of law, the sovereignty of Parliament, the independence of the judiciary and civil service and of our law enforcement agencies. These are the institutions which guarantee the freedom and sovereignty of the people.

We should acknowledge that while race is a category that unites people in common feeling, it can also divide, and divide disastrously. While it unites people who possess a set of social markers it often divides the same people from other communities. We should appreciate not just the fact that we are diverse but diverse in different ways. What I mean by this is that we are not diverse in the sense of being merely Malay, a Chinese, an Indian, a Kadazan, Iban and so forth. Each of us inhabits these particular identities in different ways. Each of us is not just a member of a race. There are other classifications which matter to us, such as location, class, social status, occupation, language, politics and others.

Is race the most important thing?

We would be terribly impoverished as persons if our identity was given ahead of time and once and for all merely by our membership of a fixed racial category. I would be a very dull person if you could tell who I was simply by looking up my race. We would never have unity if that is primarily how we regard one another. If you reflect on yourselves, you might find that all kinds of identity matter to you: that you are a graduate of such and such a university, that you speak these languages, support this football team, enjoy certain food or music, love to travel, can write computer code, have read such and such books, and have so-and-so as friends. Just reflect on how you identify yourselves in your facebook profiles. Is race the only thing you regard as important about yourselves? Is it the most important thing?

To expect our politics to be given by our race is to make cardboard images of ourselves, it is to retard our growth as individuals and hence as a society. Similarly to see no more of others than their race is to turn them into stereotypes and maintain a view of the world bordering on racist. I want to urge you, as the makers of the new social landscape we need in Malaysia, to reject taking race to be a unique and fixed categorisation, to reject race as a central category of social and political life.

Race is a constructed category, in the sense that people shape what they count as a “race” according to time, place and purpose. There is no unique and rigid concept of it the way there is a rigid concept of buoyancy, double-entry book-keeping, equilateral triangles and photosynthesis. I would be offended if you tried to measure and determine my racial identity, and it would tell me that there was something deeply wrong with your worldview. I am not Malay in the sense in which water is H2O.

Race is merely one among many identities we take up in life. We may not have much choice over how others categorise us, but we certainly have a choice about the relative importance to place on our own and therefore on the others’ racial identity. We have a choice in how much weight we put on it, and in how high in our scheme of values we put it. The contrast I want to draw is between the view that makes race out to be a unique and fundamental category, and a view that sees race as one out of many kinds of identification we could prioritise.

If we see race as a watertight category, then you are either of race X or not, and everything else: your habits, thought-patterns, loyalties and politics must all follow from that. Then race becomes destiny. The politics of this kind of conception of race will always divide, and the ultimate solution to intra-racial problems it leads us to is, in the end, violence. It is easy to identify the practitioners of this kind of racial politics. They will rely on veiled threats of communal violence even as they take part in democratic politics.

However, if we understand that racial identity is just one of many identities we have to balance, then it becomes our duty as thinking persons to set relative priorities on all these identifications. We need to ask ourselves whether we want to draw our moral values and perspective from our common humanity or from our racial identity. As educated, reasoning people, we cannot but find our common humanity the more fundamental value. We cannot but find rationally chosen universal values more important than inherited tribal affiliations.

The ability to root ourselves in our common humanity first and foremost is the prerequisite for the development of a democratic society in which policies are decided by public reasoning rather than determined by violence and manipulation. This is because open public reasoning can only be carried out where there is equal respect for the dignity and rights of all citizens, and such respect must be firmly rooted in an understanding that despite sometimes clashing interests and identities, we are united by a more fundamental common identity: that of a shared humanity created by God. Our common humanity gives us moral obligations to one another, regardless of our lesser affiliations in a way that racial identity does not?

Time to embrace the diversity

We need to arrive at new ways of mediating conflicting claims between the races, new ways of bringing people to the table, of including everyone in the decisionmaking process.

These new ways must be based on more open conceptions of who we are. Malaysia’s major races have lived together not just for decades but for centuries. Their cultures have interacted for millenia. In that time there has been mutual influence, admixture and cross-pollination at a depth and on a scale that our politics, popular culture and educational curriculum has largely pretended does not exist.

In my own parliamentary constituency, jungle covered, far inland and one of the most remote in the peninsula (it used to be known as Ulu Kelantan and covered half the state, and when I started there I had to travel to it by boat), is a six hundred year old Chinese community, perhaps the oldest in the peninsula, living in peace with their Malay and Orang Asli neighbours. Why pretend that we do not owe so much to each other that we would not be ourselves without each other? At the level at which people actually live we are already inextricably linked to each other.

It is time to embrace this real diversity in our political and personal lives. Our racial identities are not silos in a cornfield, forever separate, encased in steel, but trees in our rainforest: standing distinct but inexplicable without each other and constantly co-evolving.

While giving room to whoever wants to organise and advocate political interests according to our ethnic and religious affinities, we must now, very firmly, assert that such affinities must always recognise the priority and primacy of our common citizenship, our equal dignity, and above all, our common humanity before each other and before God. First we are human beings who are open to one another.

My young friends, I am not recommending anything novel. These are cardinal principle of our Constitution and the faiths we profess, most especially of Islam, and of reason itself. Let us have the sense of perspective to see our ethnic identities against these cornerstone principles of religion and ethics, and let us now educate our young, apprentice our youth, and conduct ourselves according to these principles. And then let us have a new beginning for Malaysia.

***

The above speech was delivered at Melbourne University at an event organized by the Umno Club.

On another note, some two years back, someone (let’s call him L) tried to pitch to me the idea of monetizing my blog (not that I hadn’t thought about it beforehand, genius). I did mention two big problems with that idea:

1. WordPress does not permit monetizing in any way (I tried, believe me).
2. My blog statistics are hardly spectacular. It can range from 300 visitors a day to a mere 40.

Of course (and very obviously), I could easily remedy those two problems, said L.

I could switch to a different blog hosting service such as Blogspot which does in fact allow ads, or just get my own domain name. Thing is, I’m quite attached to WordPress and getting a domain name isn’t exactly the cheapest thing around for a student who earns a fluctuating income on freelancing here and there.

Blog stats, on the other hand, can be easily boosted. This, I am quoting L. While not verbatim, the gist of it is there. Since I’m lucky enough to be born female with an uncringe-worthy face, all I have to do is plaster my blog with pictures of myself in order to generate higher stats. Even better, get a few professionally-taken shots of myself and it’s a done deal. Now this truly is an interesting train of thought.

When he said that, I thought to myself, “Am I prepared to whore my face out on the web for some cash?” Do I want weird, pimply teenage kids to be wanking to my blog photos? This is, of course, assuming my face would warrant such actions. The answer here is naturally, a resounding no. I am aware of several female bloggers (who do not need to be named) who do plaster their blogs with photos of themselves and I respect that as their prerogative. While I certainly do not mind blogging about my escapades with a series of photos (I have been known to indulge in such methods of blogging), I am not too keen on attempting to awaken my narcissistic/exhibitionist side by starting. That, and I’ve had pretty bad experiences with photos stolen from my Flickr account, mauled and attached to less-than-favourable images in an attempt to slander.

But the question here is – why do I blog? For what purpose does this blog exist? It is obviously not a diary since everyone knows that diaries contain sensitive and personal information – none of which appears on my blog. I enjoy keeping in touch with my friends who are now scattered in all corners of the world. I’m a lazy person. Put two and two together, you’ll realize that repetitive emails to different people are not exactly achievable.

• I enjoy writing. It is a favourite past time that comes second only to reading. While I have not written anything artistic/poetic in a while, all these musings and observations serve to satiate my need to write.
• The only part of me that is remotely exhibitionist is the opinionated side of me. I have a million opinions on social awareness, Malaysian politics, movies or other interesting international phenomena. I’m often not so verbal about these opinions however and I feel that I express myself best when I write about them instead.
• Personal gratification. I enjoy reading my old blog posts, deliberating the person I used to be, the opinions I used to have, and I most certainly enjoy reading comments that are not of the spamming type. I enjoy watching myself evolve and this is one way of ‘observing’ myself.

My point is, I’d like to think I am able to not resort to my feminine wiles in order to increase my readership and earn some extra cash. While L might not have meant what he said to be offensive, I’m afraid that the feminist part of me did, in fact, take some offense.

This blog is a part of me that is projected for the world to see and bimboticism and shallowness are the last two traits I would be proud of, or would like to showcase. I’d like my friends and whoever who follows my blog to think of me as a reasonably intelligent individual who does not have to sell-out just to get some extra money I do not need.

Would you photo-whore yourself out on your blog to earn a little extra every month or so?

1. I’m older.

When I read an entry I posted on February 2006

Friday was the lousiest KL-PEN travel of my life – whoever read my Sunday entry, and Joa, would have an idea of what I’m about to complain about. This is proof that my Dad’s Volvo is not big enough for 4 adults and a teenager. ESPECIALLY when there’s at least ONE inconsiderate adult that this teenager cannot reprimand, sitting in the front seat.

Holy shit. Suddenly it struck me – I am so not a teenager any longer! I turned 21 last year and will turn 22 this year… time just flies by me and before you know it, I’ll be all wrinkly and gray with a gazillion cats and dogs (cats and dogs because I’m guessing no one will want to marry insane, high maintenance, flighty ol ‘me). It’s true that age is just a number, but I made that jump from teenage-hood into young adulthood without acknowledging it until today! Heck, I barely noticed until today.

2. I was happy. I am happier.

December 2005

What’s interesting is also how… chirpy I was. I was really, genuinely excited and ecstatic with what KL, BPsych and moving out of the hostel had to offer me. I remember having all these dreams and all these plans and… I was such a happy person. Not to say I’m not happy now, it’s just a different kind of happy. I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world. I’ve grown into a person that I realize that I can be proud of. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, naturally, and while I regret some of them I don’t regret most of them. I’ve learned from all these missteps and I truly have accepted them, and learned how to move on.

February 2009

Yes, my smiles were broader back home, my laugh more carefree, my gait more lively. But the difference is that today, I actually know how to appreciate that happiness. I’ve had my share of tears, frustration and depression to be able to savour bouts of happiness that pass me. I took a lot of things for granted back then and it’s because of all the bitterness today that I am able to really appreciate the sweet.

4. Friends forever?

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
– Henri Nouwen

I added this quote in a December 2005 post.. and back then, I might have believed in it and thought I understood it. But it is today that I can truly appreciate what it means. My friendships have been tried and tested in ways they have not been before during these three years. It is during these three years that I have learned how to truly be a friend. The number of people I truly care for, I can count with only two hands. Few, they may be, but precious nonetheless – I would not have it any other way. A few years ago, it would have devastated me to lose any one of my friends. But today, it’s all right. It doesn’t matter if I see them every day for the rest of my life, or never again. They have made a difference in my life and I hope I’ve made a difference in theirs. As the years go by, the friend filter thickens, and only a few manage to pass it. Friends forever, does not exist. I realized that a long time ago. Best friends don’t exist either. What I know is that a friend does not bring you down. I’m glad I’ve let go of all my excess baggage. There is only so much you can do for people who refuse to help themselves.

Regardless. If I talk to you often, or I don’t talk to you at all. If you read this, know that during the time we were friends, I truly meant that we were friends, and I wish you all the best. I’m learning to let go.

If our paths don’t cross again one day
There’s no need for words to say
I’ll only be but a memory away
~ A Memory Away

4. Love?

In a December 2005 post I wrote about the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”, I talked about love…

I liked it because, like “Just Like Heaven” (though this one is much better than the more recent one le), it was a mushy-feel-good-romantic-love-story and it just lifts your spirits a bit and dampens them as well because you know that in reality love isn’t like it is in the movies with a ‘happily ever after’ ending. On a more curious note: I’d like to meet my ‘great love of my life‘ in future and know when I do. I mean, how will I know? Or will I just know? What if I don’t meet him? I mean, yeah, I don’t need a guy to live on, but I’m just curious. Is it just like that? Magic? What if something happens to him before I actually do meet him? Or what if I meet him and I don’t know? Gee, life’s puzzling isn’t it? It’s not just a simple matter of sparks flying when you look into one another’s eyes or that tingly feeling up your spine when you touch a hand, like you read so much in books. How do you know that it’s really “till death do us part”? With divorce rates on the rise, I think they should change vows.. “till divorces do us part”. Well, don’t we all wish that it were that easy. Just knowing. Is it like that? I honestly have no idea. Maybe if I ever get attached, as in seriously attached, you can ask me that and see what I say.

Back then, I actually did believe in the existence of the “great love of my life”. Interesting how things have changed. Truth is, if I would bother to dig deeper into my subconscious and my true thoughts, I would realize that I never completely believed in that. While everyone went boy crazy in high school, I was more subdued. I never felt the all-consuming crushing/infatuation a lot of my friends did. Truth to be told, I faked interest once in awhile… but never really felt it for any one. Of course, then Ex #1 came along and momentarily swept me off my very clumsy and inexperienced feet. But after Ex #1 left, I went back to my good old ways of being a disbeliever of love. If I could go back in time an answer Xinch-2005′s questions on love, I would say this:

You won’t know when you meet the great love of your life. He could be the guy you see every day in college, the one you sit next to on the bus, or the one whose eyes you meet in the LRT. He could be the guy in the car next to you waiting for the light to turn green. He could be the one you run to. He could be the one you run away from. He could be an old friend. He could be someone you have yet to meet. He could be the guy that sits next to you in class when you’re late and you’ve just run in. You could have met him today. You could meet him tomorrow. You may never meet him. This great love, he does not exist. Sparks that erupt the moment your eyes land on him, do not exist. It’s not magic. There is no great love of your life. There is love. That tingly feeling you might feel? It could be love, but most of the time, it’s lust, infatuation, a thrill. Don’t be fooled, don’t fall for it. Sit back, take a breather and look at it carefully – it could change any time. I’m not being pessimistic, or a downer. The truth is, love is not something you can see or feel upon the first, second, third or even tenth meeting. Love is something that creeps up on you and continues to grow. It’s not the flower you land your eyes on when you walk past it, become enchanted, pluck it and take it home. That’s the flower that will wilt. Love is that seed you are given, that you plant, carefully water and sun. Love is that plant that grows to an unexpected shape or form. It could flower every day, it could flower only once a week. Some times it flowers once a year. But you sit by and prune it, water it, and care for it all the same. You don’t get to just walk past it and realize that it’s love. It’s a slow, steady and difficult process. Most of all, you need to know what you want. Don’t walk into a nursery and just pick out the prettiest-looking plant. Sit and reflect on what you want, what you can give, and what you can receive. Some times we might want an orchid, but all we can really take is a cactus. It does not mean the cactus is any less beautiful or precious. Upon reflection, we might even appreciate the cactus over the orchid. Yes, to continue with this really odd plant analogy – true love is knowing what you really want, what you need, what you see yourself doing and what you can take from another person. Happily every after exists only with a lot of work… and even then, it’s intermingled with lots of bitter.

I’m such a different person, and yet I’m still the same. I know myself better now, know what I want, what I’m looking for in life, what I hope to acquire. I’m writing this not just to share it with you, but maybe in three years time when I look at this when I’m at the precipice of something new the way I am now, I’ll be able to reflect on how I’ve changed again, or how I’m still the same.

It’s what we normally say when we avert some crisis, major or not, or encounter something that relieves us of worry, burden..  mostly any negative emotion. When we manage to brake just in the nick of time so as to not crash into the bus or truck in front of us, we go “Thank God”. We say it so often that it’s second nature. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we’ve said it!

But that’s the way December often makes me feel – like thanking God. There are a million things I want to thank God for each year, and this year is no different.

1. Thank You for a safe trip through Europe. 4 weeks in Europe was almost a dream and everything that could go wrong did not go wrong. We managed to get insanely affordable roundtrip tickets with Emirates (RM3300!) right before the worldwide price hike thanks to the skyrocketing price of crude oil.

You blessed us with near-perfect weather (considering that before heading to London, Krakow, Vienna and Paris, it thunderstormed for a few days but the weather was clear when we arrived).

We were blessed with good company which made the trip a gazillion times more fun that it would have been. After all, it’s the company that truly matters.

Rachel, Whoi, Lyn, May and I in Paris on the way to Avenue des Champs-Elysees

one of our first jumping scenes in Camden, London

The insanity that was Rachel Law and Tan Chiew Whoi

Us being silly at the Cliffs of Moher

Camwhoring in our apartment in Prague

Up to our usual nonsense in our rented apartment in Prague over a scrumptious dinner

Also, despite May and I being so sure that at least one person will be pickpocketed during our trip or lose stuff, no one did in spite of some close shaves. Regardless of Ms. Saw leaving her bag on the tram in Vienna and her camcorder in the restaurant we lunched at in Paris, You led two good samaritans to us in the form of another tram rider and a waiter who returned her belongings to her. You also blessed us on terms of accomodation, obtaining affordable and safe places (with the exception of Elizatbethhouse in Vienna I still think) to shelter us. All in all, like I said, everything that could go wrong, managed to not go wrong and as such, thank You.

Vienna

a kind passerby took this amazing picture of us at the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland

2. I’d also like to thank You for bringing the Chungs/Chins/Mahs together in 2008. Prior to 2008, my maternal family has not seen a reunion like this in slightly more than 8 years. We even managed to take a family photo this time. Thank You for blessing my family living overseas for safe journeys home from Perth and Cleveland respectively and most of all, thank You for giving my grandmother this opportunity to see all her children and grandchildren in one place. Thank You for giving my poh poh a long and healthy life, to be able to witness the birth of all 7 and in a few months, 8 of her grandchildren and enjoy their company.

3. Aside from the reunion of my immediate family, during my trip to London You gave me the opportunity to meet up with family members whom I have not seen in a long time. Auntie Olivia and Uncle Eng Itt were so kind as to introduce us a guide us around London on our first day there, in addition to putting me up for 3-4 days.

Uncle Eng Itt and his friend having a pint in the outskirts of London

The Antills – I tend to see them during every Olympics season. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to meet up with them again and spend time with them after four long years of not seeing them. You’ve blessed their family and with your guidance, Pheng KP and Uncle David have helped Cammie so much that he’s growing into a fine boy.

The Antills - Uncle David, Amelia, Cameron and Pheng KP

In 2008, I also reconnected with family members from down South that I see only on special occasions – family members who have been, in recent years, disconnected from those back home in Penang in the form of How Leng KP and Uncle Jason, Auntie Jasmin and Erik and Mei Choo Ee Ee.

Janda Baik

4. I also want to thank You, Lord, for Rock Up! 2008. Almost everything that could go wrong, did go wrong and yet, it was a success by our standards. We surpassed our targetted amount, we had a relatively successful event and wonderful support from celebrities and sponsors alike. All in all, Rock Up! was a nightmare and a dream and we were blessed to be able to work with such kind and giving individuals who donated not only their money but their time in order to make the event the success it was.

with May and Choy, our emcees for the latter part of the event

Amir and I with Chelsia Ng and Alvin Wong, two of the many celebrities who lent us their time and energy to help make Rock Up! a success

5. Thank You, Lord, for giving my college-mates and I our one chance to go on a trip together. Langkawi was spectacular despite the rain and the gloom thanks to the wonderful company we had in the form of Jacks, Izzy, Sheanny, Kok Wui the Crazy, Elvi and Adrian, Elvi’s buddy living in Langkawi. We had such a good deal in terms of the airticket, the hotel and the car rental that the doom and gloom that was the weather did not dampen our spirits.

Gloomy Langkawi weather

6. Most of all, thank You for giving me a spectacular year. Despite being so crazily busy, You still gave me the chance to reconnect and let loose with some great friends. In 2008, I made good friends and rediscovered the joy of old friendships. You gave me moments that I will hold dear for a long time to come. By the time 2008 ended, I realized that I learned a little more about myself, my capabilities, my flaws and my strengths. In 2008, You stretched me to the limit and with Your hand guiding me, I prevailed. Though I strayed off the path You carved for me on a few occasions, I thankfully made it back before straying too far. All in all, thank You, Lord, for giving me a fantastic year.

Jack's farewell drinking session in TTDI Plaza

Chuan Wei, Jason, June and I after a delicious Christmas dinner at Jason's

girlwhohitonNads, Nads, Jeff and I partying during Halloween

Post-Prom party at Ivy's - May, Sim, Ivy and I.

Rockstar Party at the Factory - KhaiLee, Yuri, Sam, Nads, Julianne, Effa and I

2008 was a great year and I’m sure that 2009 will be too.

Thank You, Lord for a wonderful 2008.

Love,
Your daughter.

Precious in the sight of the LORD [is] the death of his saints.
Psalms 116:15

I started the year with death. I will end the year with another one.

It’s crazy because you’re my oldest friend. You’re probably the first friend I ever had. Yes, we’ve lost contact since you migrated. But, a part of me always believed, knew, we’d meet again one day and laugh about how stupid we were back then.

We used to play guns and war in your backyard, or force me to watch you and my brother play Nintendo games. Then I used to sit in your shiny red tug cart and you’d pull me and Shang down the hill. The only time I tried to do the same for you, you fell over and scraped your knee. I was a passive-aggressive child and when I didn’t get my way, I’d sulk. The many times you guys payed guns and I wanted to play dolls, you and Shang would tease me, ‘scold’ me, ‘nag’ me and call me names until I sulked in the corner, but you always came to wave the white flag and say sorry. My mum used to tell my brother how nice you were and how he should emulate that.

Your family introduced me to Christ, Sunday school and PCC. Even though my choice to turn to the Lord was not because of you, it was the introduction to Christianity that you and your family gave me that strengthened that choice.

Then, my most vivid memory of you… was in my room, you in the draw bed below and me on the main bed. You couldn’t stop talking the entire night and eventually Shang left the room because he was so annoyed and sleepy but couldn’t sleep. It was the latest I’d stayed up back then. Everyone had gone to bed and it was 1something AM? I remember begging you to let me sleep. And you said. “Promise me you’ll be my soulmate forever.” I answered “If I do, you’ll let me sleep?” you said “Yes”. So I did and asked if I could sleep now. And you said yes. Then, you went around telling everyone for months how I promised to be your soulmate and how we were going to get married and live together forever while I cringed and turned crimson in the background.

Forever seemed so possible back then, didn’t it? I never knew I’d never see you again. I never expected I’d never see you again. Even if I never saw you again, I never expected for you not to be around, so soon. The little 10 year old who made me promise to be his soulmate forever. I didn’t even know what soulmate was but was too proud to admit it to you. I don’t even know where you could’ve learnt the word. All this seems like yesterday. All within my grasp. Memories of a time gone by. Memories of my near idyllic childhood. I used to think that you either would be so embarrassed you actually did the things you did or would laugh as you told you friends, and possibly your children and grandchildren one day, the way I will tell mine. I never thought you would never be able to. It never even crossed my mind.

Soulmate. Such a large, meaningful word for a little boy who formed an integral part of my childhood.

We were born to be mates. The moment you were born, we were mates. Even when you left, we were mates. Even now, we are mates. Are we soulmates? What are soulmates? I’ll never know. But, Nick, we were born to be mates and mates we will always be.

Goodbye, mate.

Till the day our souls cross paths again.
Till then, you’ll be on my mind, always.

The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.
Isaiah 57:1-2

During the discussion, I managed to go out to talk to Bee Sim, talk to my other housemates about my hair, feel hungry because I hadn’t eaten dinner, talked to my mum on the phone and had a pretty long phone conversation with Eddy S (I’m only so specific because I know more than one Edward) and I’m still here. *sighs*.

I’ve been commanded (his version of a suggestion) to blog about what we talked about today. But since I don’t like repeating myself (that often and that soon), I’ll blog about something else related to that today.

Yes, I’ll blog about you, big (and I mean big, but not in a very nice way =P) doofus.

I’ve known Edward for… a pretty long time. Long enough to still need to call him Edward and not Eddy. It’s too habitual. I’ve called him Edward since I’ve known him. Thing about Penang is that… it’s so small. It makes all of us connected, one way or another. Edward and I are connected through his aunt and my mum who are really good friends who were really good friends from high school. So when we were little, we used to play together.

My earliest memory of the nuisance is playing ‘family’ with a whole bunch of other kids in some warped universe where time travels backwards.

He was the ‘grandfather’ – equipped with glasses hanging on the tip of his nose, the imaginary walking stick and a hunch the size of Everest on his back,

-_-”

And let me not forget torturous piano classes under Ms. Tan (Lyn and Sheryn can back me up and tell you that I’m not exaggerating about the torture, but that’s a story for another day). We were forced to play this piano duet with each other (I barely really knew him at that time. I have an old picture of us playing the piano together in a small recital at our ex piano teacher’s place) and me really disliking him (note, Mr. Saw that I say dislike and not hate as you so often like to exaggerate =P) because my lousy piano skills were constantly compared and contrasted to his accomplished hand (yes, I was already a kiasu little thing at that time).

As most of you know, there are few childhood playmates you spend every single day, week, month of your life with. Edward was definitely not one of those and many, many years passed before we crossed paths again. I was in… Form3 at that time when I found out that he was (very) distantly related to one of my classmates whom I used to hang out with back in the good ol’ MGS days.

I told you Penang’s a tiny place!

We’ve shared a rather … unique (for lack of a better term) relationship since then. Of course, in our mums’ ideal world we’d be attached at the hip by now. But we’re pretty far from that. For those who noticed in my Facebook profile a few weeks earlier that I was “Married” to a certain “Edward Providence Saw”, no, it was some other alien from a completely different dimension and even then, he forced my index finger to click accept! But we’ve had a divorce since he cheated on me so don’t sweat it, you won’t be seeing any mini half-breeds running around like, EVER. And again, I digress.

I suppose he’s one of the few really good friends that I can not talk to or not communicate with for months and still when we meet, it’s like no time has passed. In that sense, he’s a male version of Lay Bee too me (O_o).

We share this weird relationship where I can pretty much tell which girl he’s into at the moment or with at the moment just by looking at photos (that are innocent, mind you). Yes, he has a type. Penang is so small that he’s dated three people I know from my school who were in my graduating year – two of which I grew up with and one of which (not necessarily the third, unmentioned one, mind you) I loathed with every fibre of my being. Maybe we just run in the same circles, who knows. But, yes, Penang is pretty small when you look at it that way.

The thing about Edward. He’s a pretty great guy. He’s also a pretty emo guy who likes to take the weight of his world on his shoulders even though it’s really not his job and thus, he does like saving people. Which is why I suspect he almost always falls for the damsel in distress. It’s also why he’s surrounded by people who try (and usually succeed) to take advantage of it.

But, my dear, we’re only human, yeah? And, yes, sometimes we do like to be needed. It makes us secure in the fact that we play an important role in someone else’s life. So yes, go on and be a hero if you must and do what makes you happy, even if it is pleasing everyone else but yourself. Despite all that, sometimes, even heroes need some saving. What’s the point in sacrificing everything about yourself to save someone else when sooner or later, there’s not going to be anything left of you for yourself, much less to sacrifice.

What I’m trying to say is you really don’t have to go round being everyone‘s knight in shining armour. Just because you carefully choose who to give your help to does not make you any less of a knight. Or a hero. Or a vigilante. Whichever you want to call it.

For those who truly love you, love you for who you truly are – regardless.

After all, I love you even though you can be oh-so-cocky, conceited and an annoying pain in the ass =P

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
- Five for Fighting