Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

Things Bee Sim Says That Crack Me Up

Posted on February 25th, 2010 • Filed under Inspirations, KL, Musings • 3 Comments

If you know Bee Sim like I do, she’s full of critical nonsense.

She just sent me the video of “We Are The World 25″ for Haiti

It’s a really good song, mind you, and I love that Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie placed all the strong vocalists in the beginning, where I feel more emotion and power is needed to convey the message of the song – Jennifer Hudson, Josh Groban, Pink, Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion.. you know what I mean.

But Bee Sim has beef with the fact that Miley Cyrus has a few lines among the greats.

Here’s an excerpt of our conversation:

 

The 5 Most Impacting Books I’ve Read To Date

Posted on August 16th, 2009 • Filed under Musings • 2 Comments

There are only two words that I can think of that I feel aptly describes my reading habits – voracious… and obnoxious. If you know me at all, the former shouldn’t be much of a surprise. But “obnoxious”, you ask?

Let’s just say that while I have indulged, in “light reads” and “guilty pleasures” such as Twilight, Judith McNaught romance novels (and in younger days, Sweet Valley and the occasional Charmed book) I am not quick, nor proud, to admit my dalliances with certain titles. I have always prided myself in my selection of books with Pulitzer or Booker awards, literary classics and a range of modern Asian literature or cultural reads. I try the darnedest to not succumb to social expectations of females preferring romance novels and in bookstores, I give the romance sections a wide berth. Now, with age, I give young adult fiction an even wider berth as well. Which is probably why I felt a slight tinge of embarrassment when the sales assistant at MPH directed me to the teenage fiction section when I attempted to purchase the last two installments of the Twilight series. Nonetheless, I give in to these temptations, and read them anyway for the sheer entertainment and short-lived pleasure they provide.

But, I have noticed one thing. It is these “light reads” that I rarely reread, and often, quickly forget. I have read my Murakamis, Ishiguros and Lahiris so many times that I fear that creases are inevitably appearing on the spine, in spite of my care.

Over the weekend back home, I took some time to peruse my collection (which has depleted somewhat thanks to my mother’s generosity, and lack of consultation with yours truly). I attempted to list my top 5 favorites, but found that they all tied for the #1 spot. Instead, I compiled a list of..

The 5 Most Impacting Books I’ve Read

1. Tuesdays with Morrie (by Mitch Albom)

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” — Morrie Schwartz

Lessons of life from a point of death – that’s the running theme of all of Mitch Albom’s books. But what makes this one so spectacular is Morrie Schwartz, and how they came together to share his last lessons with the rest of the world.

2. A Fine Balance (by Rohinton Mistry)

“Government problems and games played by people in power… It doesn’t affect ordinary people like us” — Dina Shroff

It was after reading this that I developed an appetite for modern Asian literature, and surprisingly, politics. I say surprisingly because this book was not explicitly political. But for the duration that I read this book, I was transported to India in the 70s during “The Emergency”, witnessing the harrowing experience through the eyes of 4 characters who while came from vastly differing backgrounds, were really and inevitably all in it together.

3. Lovely Bones (by Alice Sebold)

“What I think was hardest for me to realize was that he had tried each time to stop himself. He had killed animals, taking lesser lives to keep from killing a child.” — Susie Salmon

I suppose it takes a experience to tell the harrowing story of rape. Which is probably why the description of the crime committed against Susie Salmon was so exquisitely written, and yet painful to read. But, what drew me most to this book was how Alice Sebold “humanized” the rapist, and how he struggled with his urges. The fact that this came from a woman who was at a point in time a victim, reminded me that in spite of our nature and the severity of our crimes, we are all the same – we are all human.

4. Of Mice and Men (by John Steinbeck)

“Never you mind. A guy got to sometimes.” – Slim

I admit to originally picking this book up at a sale because it was (i) cheap, and (ii) wondrously thin. But of course, who had not heard of John Steinbeck? My first foray into his world was through this book. He told the story of innocence, dreams and friendship in the harshest of settings, contrasted against the unexpectedly gentlest of men. But he leaves us with this poignant message of, “Sometimes, you’ve just got to do, what you’ve got to do.”

5. Dance, Dance, Dance (by Haruki Murakami)

“Transplant this coffee shop scene to Yokohama or Fukuoka and nothing would seem out of place. In spite of which — or, rather, all the more because — here I was, sitting in this coffee shop, drinking my coffee, feeling a desperate loneliness. I alone was the outsider. I had no place here.”

It is difficult to explain why Haruki Murakami’s work enchants me. His novels resonate with themes of abandonment and have a hint of surreality in each and every one of them. Reading Murakami’s work, is like abstract art. It defies conventional dissection and interpretation. The same way, I cannot completely explain why I picked this Murakami book. Perhaps it’s because it tells the story of a chase of the unknown, and how fate and destiny can bring into your life an odd combination of travel partners who will impact your journey in ways that, as cliched as it sounds, you probably least expect.

 

“I would be a very dull person if you could tell who I was simply by looking up my race”

Posted on August 12th, 2009 • Filed under Musings • No Comments

Obtained from Ronnie Khoo via Facebook, the following is taken from the Malaysiakini article here:

Race: Time for a new beginning

Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah
Aug 9, 09

The opportunity to study abroad is gift. I remember my days as a student in Belfast so long ago. Now as then, overseas study gives us the chance to be educated at some of the finest, best established institutions of higher learning anywhere, and to be exposed to the best that has been thought and done, and to measure ourselves against the highest standards. It is an opportunity to see the world.

Travel and living abroad takes us far away from home, but in doing so it also brings us closer to ourselves, and closer to home. Have you experienced this? Have you felt time and distance making you more conscious of how unique and precious the places, relationships, colours, smells and yes, tastes, of home are? Distance can help us see things more clearly. Home is such an immediate, dense and total experience that we often need to go away to see its contours. Home is such an emotional experience that we often understand it better in the coolness of distance. We sometimes need the elevation of distance to see the map of our own country.

I want to use this privileged distance that we now share, here in Melbourne, to speak frankly with you today about a matter that is usually so tightly wound up, so emotional, that at a national level we have not been able to have a rational discussion about it.

Read the rest of this entry »

 

Photo-Whoring

Posted on March 17th, 2009 • Filed under Musings • 2 Comments

I’m insatiable. When I’m swamped with work, all I want is a little peace and quiet. When I actually get my peace and quiet, all I want to do is work. How very humanly of me. I’ve been here on my laptop for a few hours already, surfing everything from YouTube music videos and short stories to how to conduct multiple regressions on SPSS.

On another note, some two years back, someone (let’s call him L) tried to pitch to me the idea of monetizing my blog (not that I hadn’t thought about it beforehand, genius). I did mention two big problems with that idea:

1. Wordpress does not permit monetizing in any way (I tried, believe me).
2. My blog statistics are hardly spectacular. It can range from 300 visitors a day to a mere 40.

Of course (and very obviously), I could easily remedy those two problems, said L.

I could switch to a different blog hosting service such as Blogspot which does in fact allow ads, or just get my own domain name. Thing is, I’m quite attached to Wordpress and getting a domain name isn’t exactly the cheapest thing around for a student who earns a fluctuating income on freelancing here and there.

Blog stats, on the other hand, can be easily boosted. This, I am quoting L. While not verbatim, the gist of it is there. Since I’m lucky enough to be born female with an uncringe-worthy face, all I have to do is plaster my blog with pictures of myself in order to generate higher stats. Even better, get a few professionally-taken shots of myself and it’s a done deal. Now this truly is an interesting train of thought.

When he said that, I thought to myself, “Am I prepared to whore my face out on the web for some cash?” Do I want weird, pimply teenage kids to be wanking to my blog photos? This is, of course, assuming my face would warrant such actions. The answer here is naturally, a resounding no. I am aware of several female bloggers (who do not need to be named) who do plaster their blogs with photos of themselves and I respect that as their prerogative. While I certainly do not mind blogging about my escapades with a series of photos (I have been known to indulge in such methods of blogging), I am not too keen on attempting to awaken my narcissistic/exhibitionist side by starting. That, and I’ve had pretty bad experiences with photos stolen from my Flickr account, mauled and attached to less-than-favourable images in an attempt to slander.

But the question here is – why do I blog? For what purpose does this blog exist? It is obviously not a diary since everyone knows that diaries contain sensitive and personal information – none of which appears on my blog. I enjoy keeping in touch with my friends who are now scattered in all corners of the world. I’m a lazy person. Put two and two together, you’ll realize that repetitive emails to different people are not exactly achievable.

• I enjoy writing. It is a favourite past time that comes second only to reading. While I have not written anything artistic/poetic in a while, all these musings and observations serve to satiate my need to write.
• The only part of me that is remotely exhibitionist is the opinionated side of me. I have a million opinions on social awareness, Malaysian politics, movies or other interesting international phenomena. I’m often not so verbal about these opinions however and I feel that I express myself best when I write about them instead.
• Personal gratification. I enjoy reading my old blog posts, deliberating the person I used to be, the opinions I used to have, and I most certainly enjoy reading comments that are not of the spamming type. I enjoy watching myself evolve and this is one way of ‘observing’ myself.

My point is, I’d like to think I am able to not resort to my feminine wiles in order to increase my readership and earn some extra cash. While L might not have meant what he said to be offensive, I’m afraid that the feminist part of me did, in fact, take some offense.

This blog is a part of me that is projected for the world to see and bimboticism and shallowness are the last two traits I would be proud of, or would like to showcase. I’d like my friends and whoever who follows my blog to think of me as a reasonably intelligent individual who does not have to sell-out just to get some extra money I do not need.

Would you photo-whore yourself out on your blog to earn a little extra every month or so?

 

Speaking of Change..

Posted on March 10th, 2009 • Filed under Musings • 11 Comments

It’s been slightly more than 3 years since I’ve moved to KL from Penang to pursue my degree in Psychology, and I’m a different person today. Compared to three years ago, I’ve experimented with diverse hairstyles, the music I listen to has changed, the circles I run around with have shifted… and many more. But among others and on a less superficial note, I’m trying to remember who I was back then, but… I honestly can’t. So I visited my old blog and attempted to reacquaint myself with the ‘old’ me.

1. I’m older.

When I read an entry I posted on February 2006

Friday was the lousiest KL-PEN travel of my life – whoever read my Sunday entry, and Joa, would have an idea of what I’m about to complain about. This is proof that my Dad’s Volvo is not big enough for 4 adults and a teenager. ESPECIALLY when there’s at least ONE inconsiderate adult that this teenager cannot reprimand, sitting in the front seat.

Holy shit. Suddenly it struck me – I am so not a teenager any longer! I turned 21 last year and will turn 22 this year… time just flies by me and before you know it, I’ll be all wrinkly and gray with a gazillion cats and dogs (cats and dogs because I’m guessing no one will want to marry insane, high maintenance, flighty ol ‘me). It’s true that age is just a number, but I made that jump from teenage-hood into young adulthood without acknowledging it until today! Heck, I barely noticed until today.

2. I was happy. I am happier.

What’s interesting is also how… chirpy I was. I was really, genuinely excited and ecstatic with what KL, BPsych and moving out of the hostel had to offer me. I remember having all these dreams and all these plans and… I was such a happy person. Not to say I’m not happy now, it’s just a different kind of happy. I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world. I’ve grown into a person that I realize that I can be proud of. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, naturally, and while I regret some of them I don’t regret most of them. I’ve learned from all these missteps and I truly have accepted them, and learned how to move on.

Yes, my smiles were broader back home, my laugh more carefree, my gait more lively. But the difference is that today, I actually know how to appreciate that happiness. I’ve had my share of tears, frustration and depression to be able to savour bouts of happiness that pass me. I took a lot of things for granted back then and it’s because of all the bitterness today that I am able to really appreciate the sweet.

4. Friends forever?

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
– Henri Nouwen

I added this quote in a December 2005 post.. and back then, I might have believed in it and thought I understood it. But it is today that I can truly appreciate what it means. My friendships have been tried and tested in ways they have not been before during these three years. It is during these three years that I have learned how to truly be a friend. The number of people I truly care for, I can count with only two hands. Few, they may be, but precious nonetheless – I would not have it any other way. A few years ago, it would have devastated me to lose any one of my friends. But today, it’s all right. It doesn’t matter if I see them every day for the rest of my life, or never again. They have made a difference in my life and I hope I’ve made a difference in theirs. As the years go by, the friend filter thickens, and only a few manage to pass it. Friends forever, does not exist. I realized that a long time ago. Best friends don’t exist either. What I know is that a friend does not bring you down. I’m glad I’ve let go of all my excess baggage. There is only so much you can do for people who refuse to help themselves.

Regardless. If I talk to you often, or I don’t talk to you at all. If you read this, know that during the time we were friends, I truly meant that we were friends, and I wish you all the best. I’m learning to let go.

If our paths don’t cross again one day
There’s no need for words to say
I’ll only be but a memory away
~ A Memory Away

4. Love?

In a December 2005 post I wrote about the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”, I talked about love…

I liked it because, like “Just Like Heaven” (though this one is much better than the more recent one le), it was a mushy-feel-good-romantic-love-story and it just lifts your spirits a bit and dampens them as well because you know that in reality love isn’t like it is in the movies with a ‘happily ever after’ ending. On a more curious note: I’d like to meet my ‘great love of my life‘ in future and know when I do. I mean, how will I know? Or will I just know? What if I don’t meet him? I mean, yeah, I don’t need a guy to live on, but I’m just curious. Is it just like that? Magic? What if something happens to him before I actually do meet him? Or what if I meet him and I don’t know? Gee, life’s puzzling isn’t it? It’s not just a simple matter of sparks flying when you look into one another’s eyes or that tingly feeling up your spine when you touch a hand, like you read so much in books. How do you know that it’s really “till death do us part”? With divorce rates on the rise, I think they should change vows.. “till divorces do us part”. Well, don’t we all wish that it were that easy. Just knowing. Is it like that? I honestly have no idea. Maybe if I ever get attached, as in seriously attached, you can ask me that and see what I say.

Back then, I actually did believe in the existence of the “great love of my life”. Interesting how things have changed. Truth is, if I would bother to dig deeper into my subconscious and my true thoughts, I would realize that I never completely believed in that. While everyone went boy crazy in high school, I was more subdued. I never felt the all-consuming crushing/infatuation a lot of my friends did. Truth to be told, I faked interest once in awhile… but never really felt it for any one. Of course, then Ex #1 came along and momentarily swept me off my very clumsy and inexperienced feet. But after Ex #1 left, I went back to my good old ways of being a disbeliever of love. If I could go back in time an answer Xinch-2005’s questions on love, I would say this:

You won’t know when you meet the great love of your life. He could be the guy you see every day in college, the one you sit next to on the bus, or the one whose eyes you meet in the LRT. He could be the guy in the car next to you waiting for the light to turn green. He could be the one you run to. He could be the one you run away from. He could be an old friend. He could be someone you have yet to meet. He could be the guy that sits next to you in class when you’re late and you’ve just run in. You could have met him today. You could meet him tomorrow. You may never meet him. This great love, he does not exist. Sparks that erupt the moment your eyes land on him, do not exist. It’s not magic. There is no great love of your life. There is love. That tingly feeling you might feel? It could be love, but most of the time, it’s lust, infatuation, a thrill. Don’t be fooled, don’t fall for it. Sit back, take a breather and look at it carefully – it could change any time. I’m not being pessimistic, or a downer. The truth is, love is not something you can see or feel upon the first, second, third or even tenth meeting. Love is something that creeps up on you and continues to grow. It’s not the flower you land your eyes on when you walk past it, become enchanted, pluck it and take it home. That’s the flower that will wilt. Love is that seed you are given, that you plant, carefully water and sun. Love is that plant that grows to an unexpected shape or form. It could flower every day, it could flower only once a week. Some times it flowers once a year. But you sit by and prune it, water it, and care for it all the same. You don’t get to just walk past it and realize that it’s love. It’s a slow, steady and difficult process. Most of all, you need to know what you want. Don’t walk into a nursery and just pick out the prettiest-looking plant. Sit and reflect on what you want, what you can give, and what you can receive. Some times we might want an orchid, but all we can really take is a cactus. It does not mean the cactus is any less beautiful or precious. Upon reflection, we might even appreciate the cactus over the orchid. Yes, to continue with this really odd plant analogy – true love is knowing what you really want, what you need, what you see yourself doing and what you can take from another person. Happily every after exists only with a lot of work… and even then, it’s intermingled with lots of bitter.

I’m such a different person, and yet I’m still the same. I know myself better now, know what I want, what I’m looking for in life, what I hope to acquire. I’m writing this not just to share it with you, but maybe in three years time when I look at this when I’m at the precipice of something new the way I am now, I’ll be able to reflect on how I’ve changed again, or how I’m still the same.

 

Thank God

Posted on January 18th, 2009 • Filed under Musings, Personal Life • 5 Comments

Thank God.

It’s what we normally say when we avert some crisis, major or not, or encounter something that relieves us of worry, burden..  mostly any negative emotion. When we manage to brake just in the nick of time so as to not crash into the bus or truck in front of us, we go “Thank God”. We say it so often that it’s second nature. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we’ve said it!

But that’s the way December often makes me feel – like thanking God. There are a million things I want to thank God for each year, and this year is no different.

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1988-2008

Posted on December 7th, 2008 • Filed under Musings, Personal Life • 3 Comments

Precious in the sight of the LORD [is] the death of his saints.
Psalms 116:15

I started the year with death. I will end the year with another one.

It’s crazy because you’re my oldest friend. You’re probably the first friend I ever had. Yes, we’ve lost contact since you migrated. But, a part of me always believed, knew, we’d meet again one day and laugh about how stupid we were back then.

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Regardless.

Posted on October 13th, 2008 • Filed under Musings, Penang • No Comments

It’s 3.30 in the morning and I’ve spent 6 hours discussing my Assessment and Profiling group project with my group mates. Simply put, I’ve wasted 4-5 hours on it. 4-5 hours I could have spent completing another dreadful assignment and 4-5 I could have spent studying for my coming midterms. But we do what we have to do. So now that I’m waiting for them to apply finishing touches to the assignment, i’m here – blog-hopping, Facebook-hopping and dying to sleep.

During the discussion, I managed to go out to talk to Bee Sim, talk to my other housemates about my hair, feel hungry because I hadn’t eaten dinner, talked to my mum on the phone and had a pretty long phone conversation with Eddy S (I’m only so specific because I know more than one Edward) and I’m still here. *sighs*.

I’ve been commanded (his version of a suggestion) to blog about what we talked about today. But since I don’t like repeating myself (that often and that soon), I’ll blog about something else related to that today.

Yes, I’ll blog about you, big (and I mean big, but not in a very nice way =P) doofus.

Read the rest of this entry »

 

Letters to My Grandfather

Posted on July 1st, 2008 • Filed under Musings • 1 Comment

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future.
Gail Lumet Buckley

Kong Kong,

Remember this photo?

That was 17 years ago. Look at where we are now?

It’s been a long way from that photo. We’ve gained some, we’ve lost some. With everyone scattered, it’s only once in a while that we actually meet, like in that photo. The first time we took a family photo, it was almost 17 years ago. The last time we wanted to take a photo, you left. Until this year, 4 years after the youngest has been born, we’ve reunited once more for this photo. And yet we’re missing you kong kong.

July 3rd is coming and it’s been 18 years since that Monday. How we wish you could be in that photo with us. You would have been so amused at Joel trying to stuff his finger up his nose and eating his boogers every time the shutter clicked. It probably would have been easier to get him to smile with you around, seeing as you’ve always had tricks up your sleeves. We still talk about you like you’re with us and we still hear stories about you from por por, your children and your grandchildren. You would have been proud to hear that when Joel wore his checked, button-down shirt, he cried because he didn’t have a tie. After all, in that photo in the living room…

“Yeh Yeh was wearing a tie.”

It’s a pity Joel never got to know you in person. He would have loved your rubber insects, your binoculars and your BB Pellet guns. I know you would have enjoyed him too, the way you used to play tricks on us when we were kids. Somehow, stories can never compare.

If it really was you, you gave Julianne quite a scare that day at the temple but boy, was she happy. Before that, she kept asking, “Is yeh yeh really here? Is he invisible?” and it became “He really is here!”. They miss you, without knowing you, but from the stories we tell, they miss you. Perhaps, it’s almost as if they know you. And I know, kowfoo would have wanted them to know you.

But we miss you. Each and every day and even more so when we tell your stories, or when we look at old photos.

Eight years ago on this day and probably even at this time on a Saturday night, I was at No. 22, probably watching tv, talking to Su Yin as mum, ee ee, and por por fussed over you. I don’t really remember what I was doing there. Perhaps I was rummaging through the fridge or I was just lazing. But I remember you sitting in the living room as usual. Then you moved to the dining table, you had started to get swollen feet and everyone was worried. But it was okay since the doctor’s appointment was just on Monday. It could wait.

Eight years on, it sometimes feels like yesterday. We still miss you even though we don’t talk about it. The knowledge that you really are in a better place makes things easier. Selfish it may seem, we still wish you were here with us.

Your granddaughter
Xin-Ci

 

Power

Posted on March 30th, 2008 • Filed under Musings • No Comments

Even though I knew that this would come true

I did nothing to prevent it

Did nothing to prevent you

Some day this would come

This I knew

That one day

You’d have power over me

And I’d have none over you